Today is November 29th, 2011. I made my choice yesterday after I talked to Alexander's little sister. This is my fate, this is what God has planned for me. I can't argue with that and it might not be fair but since when is life fair? I've accepted that this is my fate. I can feel it now.
I lived to my 18th birthday and even more so after that. That alone is amazing. But, this is it and I've accepted that.
To Alexander:
You have been...amazing with me. You gave me everything I could ever ask for. You kissed me when I wanted it, you loved me the way I wanted you to. I don't want to leave but even though I am, I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you lost in your book with your headphones in. I don't want you to be that again. I want you to try to get through what you've gotten through already. Your journey here, in the hospital. It's almost over. You'll be okay. My birthday present to you will come soon.
To Amelia:
You have been more of a mother to me than my own mother sometimes. You have been the best doctor I could ever ask for. You made sure that I was comfortable in the hospital when I had to live there for the rest of what was left of my life. You have just been truly amazing. Everything about you has made my struggling easier, and knowing what you're going to do for me -- you will always be in my heart.
To my parents:
I understand that you couldn't always be there for me even though I needed you. I always understood that because you had to pay for the hospital bills and it was expensive. It called for a lot of over-time hours at work. I didn't die thinking you didn't love me. In fact, I died knowing you did because I died in a comfortable place. I died in a wonderful hospital that gave me good treatment and that's because of you two. Because you spent hours and sleepless nights at work to pay the money so I could be okay. That, I appreciate. And I love you. You never did wrong, I promise.
To Angie:
You were always such a little pain, my bratty little sister that always picked on me about my madness or my "dumb ole" rabbit. But I love you just as much as I've loved anyone. You have been such a blessing to me and your visits to the hospital always made me smile. You are so angelic and adorable. You can take on the world and rule it if you really wanted to. You'll be amazing, Angie. You will grow past sixteen and you will be a woman worth dying for.
To Oliver:
You have been fantastic with me, even when people picked on you for being my friend. I could tell that you took the jabs from the bullies at school to heart, which made you start fading away from me a bit. But that's okay. I always understood. I still love you and I know you still love me.
To Shiloh:
I stole your boyfriend. Oh my, yes I did. I stole him and he's a wonderful kisser.
Oh, ignore me. I'm only kidding and you know it. I do hope you smiled though. Take care of Alexander though. He's reckless and never knows what he's gotten himself into until he's knee deep in it. But he is a unique soul and so madly in love with you. Take care of him. Make sure he doesn't get himself in some sort of illegal trouble. He is so, so beautiful.
To everyone:
I have lived my life to the utmost fullest that I could. I might not have lived to 90 years old, but I finished my list. I was told that I was an inspiration, I kissed a very attractive guy, I dyed my hair, I got a tattoo, I went to a Disney store and bought too many plushies than my silly bed could handle. I didn't die unsatisfied. In fact, I died with a smile and a laugh in me still. I lived my life and so should you.
Last, but not least, my silly white rabbit:
I have had many journeys with you. To the beach and beyond, you have been by my side. I have been told numerous times that you're a figment of my imagination. But you have been the best figment of my imagination. You have been my best friend and what kept me going when I had nothing else.
I'm not gone. I'm still here. I'm everything.
P.S. - The locket that my rabbit lies in is placed in Alexander's delicate palm. It goes to Angie though. I hope you take care of him for me. Even if it's pure madness to do so.