Chance after chance, this is the end.

Today is November 29th, 2011. I made my choice yesterday after I talked to Alexander's little sister. This is my fate, this is what God has planned for me. I can't argue with that and it might not be fair but since when is life fair? I've accepted that this is my fate. I can feel it now.

I lived to my 18th birthday and even more so after that. That alone is amazing. But, this is it and I've accepted that.

To Alexander: 
You have been...amazing with me. You gave me everything I could ever ask for. You kissed me when I wanted it, you loved me the way I wanted you to. I don't want to leave but even though I am, I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you lost in your book with your headphones in. I don't want you to be that again. I want you to try to get through what you've gotten through already. Your journey here, in the hospital. It's almost over. You'll be okay. My birthday present to you will come soon.

To Amelia: 
You have been more of a mother to me than my own mother sometimes. You have been the best doctor I could ever ask for. You made sure that I was comfortable in the hospital when I had to live there for the rest of what was left of my life. You have just been truly amazing. Everything about you has made my struggling easier, and knowing what you're going to do for me -- you will always be in my heart.

To my parents: 
I understand that you couldn't always be there for me even though I needed you. I always understood that because you had to pay for the hospital bills and it was expensive. It called for a lot of over-time hours at work. I didn't die thinking you didn't love me. In fact, I died knowing you did because I died in a comfortable place. I died in a wonderful hospital that gave me good treatment and that's because of you two. Because you spent hours and sleepless nights at work to pay the money so I could be okay. That, I appreciate. And I love you. You never did wrong, I promise.

To Angie: 
You were always such a little pain, my bratty little sister that always picked on me about my madness or my "dumb ole" rabbit. But I love you just as much as I've loved anyone. You have been such a blessing to me and your visits to the hospital always made me smile. You are so angelic and adorable. You can take on the world and rule it if you really wanted to. You'll be amazing, Angie. You will grow past sixteen and you will be a woman worth dying for.

To Oliver: 
You have been fantastic with me, even when people picked on you for being my friend. I could tell that you took the jabs from the bullies at school to heart, which made you start fading away from me a bit. But that's okay. I always understood. I still love you and I know you still love me.

To Shiloh: 
I stole your boyfriend. Oh my, yes I did. I stole him and he's a wonderful kisser.
Oh, ignore me. I'm only kidding and you know it. I do hope you smiled though. Take care of Alexander though. He's reckless and never knows what he's gotten himself into until he's knee deep in it. But he is a unique soul and so madly in love with you. Take care of him. Make sure he doesn't get himself in some sort of illegal trouble. He is so, so beautiful.

To everyone: 
I have lived my life to the utmost fullest that I could. I might not have lived to 90 years old, but I finished my list. I was told that I was an inspiration, I kissed a very attractive guy, I dyed my hair, I got a tattoo, I went to a Disney store and bought too many plushies than my silly bed could handle. I didn't die unsatisfied. In fact, I died with a smile and a laugh in me still. I lived my life and so should you.

Last, but not least, my silly white rabbit: 
I have had many journeys with you. To the beach and beyond, you have been by my side. I have been told numerous times that you're a figment of my imagination. But you have been the best figment of my imagination. You have been my best friend and what kept me going when I had nothing else.


I'm not gone. I'm still here. I'm everything. 

P.S. - The locket that my rabbit lies in is placed in Alexander's delicate palm. It goes to Angie though. I hope you take care of him for me. Even if it's pure madness to do so.

"Pray to your God, open your heart."

I haven't been posting, I know. I do apologize. I'm completely drained of energy anymore.

Today wasn't all that bad, I suppose. I was running late because my rabbit didn't wake me up in time but not that big of a deal. Alexander was off, completely zoned out. He snapped at his girlfriend a couple of times and at one point, he told her to shut up. I'm pretty sure we both flinched when he said it because of the bitterness in his tone. His face fell when he realized what he did though and he immediately apologized to her. She's obviously not the type to hold something against him though because she just gave him a small smile and held his hand. I felt like I was barging in though when he pulled her a little before she sat down. Their fingers were completely intertwined when she sat on the edge of his bed (he didn't sit on a chair this time) and he pulled her to him. He had kissed her gently and pulled back putting his forehead against hers. It only looked as if he mouthed "I'm sorry" but he had said it apparently because her eyes were closed when she said it was okay. It's hard to look away from them sometimes, even if I felt rude watching. It's one of those things that catches your attention and as much as you tell yourself you should look away, you just can't. Almost as if they're absolutely hypnotizing.
They're adorable together and she obviously brings him comfort when he needs it most.

As for my comfort? I mainly read when Alexander left until my doctor told me I was free to go after my own dialysis. My Mom was so upset today because she and Dad had gotten into an argument before. I hate that; as does my rabbit. It's so frustrating.
My picture today was of my doctor because I realized I never had a picture of him in my photo book. Silly me, I know.  I put it into my book and wrote about how amazing he's been with me and how much he's been helping me. He promised me that he would help me get better and though I'm not, he has tried his hardest and still continues to do so even though I have a very slim chance of getting better at this point. I have a set time and he knows this. He always hugs me now. It's the sweetest thing.

It's chasing us underground.

Typical bad boy.

Alexander probably is the most picture perfect typical bad boy I've ever met. His tongue is pierced which I did not know of until today when he childishly stuck his tongue out at me because I picked on his - even more so - messy hair in that tangled mess of his and he's always wearing his leather jacket and either converses/Vans or boots. He smokes as well which bothers me a little but it's his life.

On another note though, my doctor reminded me yet again of how long I have and I wish he would stop. So does my poor white rabbit. It's not fair to remind him constantly of the little time. For the first time though, my heart sunk when he reminded me.

Some days, I think I'm ready to die because there's a reason for everything.
But other days, I'm not ready because I'm so young and there's so much I have yet to do.

Oh, dreadful day.

Today was unproductive, uneventful, and all around dreadful. I think I rather being at the hospital than being stuck in my grandparents house. It's awful to hear them try to convince my parents to leave me at the hospital and let me die there.

Wonderful family that you are. Sincerely mean it.

Also, there won't be any more posts tonight other than this one. I'm afraid that my headache keeps me from doing otherwise so I'm straying farther from this computer. Maybe tomorrow, darlings, maybe tomorrow. Until then however, I'm taking my silly yet warm rabbit and going to bed. Goodnight. 

"Can't get no satisfaction."

Not trueeee.

I finally finished editing my layout to my satisfaction. I feel much better.
Anyhow, goodnight! Bed early today.

Two months and not a drop to spare.

It's been two months since I last talked to her though and watching that movie reminds me of her. She's always been so distant from me but watching that movie reminded me of all the happier moments I had with her. It seems as if my sickness became a reason for her to completely fade away from me though; to finally slip from my grasp and between my fingertips.

Disney store galore.

I finally am able to cross "Go to a Disney store and buy as many stuffed animals as possible." off my list! I didn't think I would be able to buy more than one because it's always so expensive and I tend to pay for my rolls of film to be developed. But Alexander surprised me. He asked me what was on my list that I doubted would happen due to limited time or money or anything else. I told him about the Disney store and he just took me. I have so many Disney things! My white rabbit was so pleased because I got myself a Cheshire.

Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit.

Alexander was a little out of it and kept looking at his body with this confused expression. I stayed with him in the room though but he didn't look at me much. He seemed caught up in his music sheets sprawled out on his lap and using his textbooks to bare down with his pen. I watched him write. There was one line that he didn't scratch out though.  
"I've been staring at this white wall for hours, trying to figure out who I am, where I'm going, what I need to do. And it's all narrowed down to you."

But he has a different music taste from mine. The only song I came across that I liked was Don't Stop Believin' by Journey on his iPod. I didn't mind though. It was nice to get into his head a little more and see what he likes, what he's so passionate about.  


I ran a little late though because my rabbit was darting around and my mother had forgotten to set her alarm. Instead of leaving at the same time he did I stayed an extra hour. It was a bit frustrating. I had my doctor remind me of the time I had left as if I didn't already know it.

I'm aware I only have about two months left. It doesn't leave me mind. Not even for a second.

Little time, no time, much time.

I posted a lot today, I realize. I suppose it was due to boredom or my inability to sleep. It's a long day tomorrow so I must try to get some sleep. I wonder if my rabbit will be waiting for me in the bed. I do hope so. His cuddles are so lovely.

Yet another thing to add onto my list:

I'd love to go here. I must find the location of this beautiful place.
Rabbit, we must wander here. Yes, yes. Oh, we must.

My collection keeps growing.

I have a lovely collection of National Geographic magazines that my parents love adding to. I'm afraid of what will happen to them once I've gone because there is not enough room in this house of ours to keep them around once I've slowly faded away. Oh, white rabbit, whatever shall we do?

The list I mention so often.

As I've said before, I have a list that I wish to finish before I die. These are some of the things (Strike-out means I've done it):

Travel to Miami, Florida. 
Have my first kiss.
Own a golden lab dog as a puppy.
Finish making a scrap book. 
Get married.
Have a peace symbol tattooed on my shoulder.
Make a friend on a whim.
Help people as much as humanly possible.
Go to a Disney store and buy as many stuffed animals as possible.
Get over my ugly fear of heights. 
Dye my hair something new and cut it all off.
Go a whole day just watching Disney movies with ice cream. 
Eat completely unhealthy for a full day, no exceptions. 


Though there is so much more, there is one thing at the very top of my list that I must absolutely finish before I die - Find the perfect home for my silly and lovely white rabbit.


Update: Today - September 14th, 2011 - I was able to cross off the Disney store.

I do not run on sadness, only madness.

I believe my sister is more complicated than she should be. I am not insane; my white rabbit is not my brain. I have a rabbit. He's a silly old thing, always running late. But I am not insane nor sad and making up imaginary creatures to keep me company in my tangled mess of a mind. Oh, my dear Angie. You will know some day when he comes wandering to you, looking about. ♥

A little less productive than I'd like.

I think I spend more time getting lost in my photo book with my white rabbit than I do anything else. I wish I could go outside with my camera right now. Instead I'm locked inside the house until dawn, which is 6am. I shall slowly count down the hours as I find something less productive to do.

Alexander: The boy on dialysis.

I wrote about a cute boy in my photo book today. Oh yes, he's very cute. A bit quiet though. He has unruly and messy hair though. Brushes don't exist to him. He wears a leather jacket a lot and he looks as if he hasn't slept his days. His skin is pale and purple in some places. He has a girlfriend though, she makes him happy and for that, I'm glad. He looks so depressed when he's doing dialysis. He focuses on his phone or his book. Never pays much attention to things around him. I made him laugh once when I told him hi through a white erase board. I don't think I saw him smile lately until today when he called me weird. I think I was okay with him calling me weird. It didn't bother me...

I met this boy at the hospital today - his name is Alec. He's a bit depressed, I would think. He was my entry in my photo book today, because he was the most interesting thing to happen to me. I threw him off a bit by taking his picture but I think he understood. I told him that my white rabbit was wandering. He called me weird again but I didn't mind.

I met a boy today, a friend to be even. I met the boy on dialysis.

Today was a good day. I hope to have more.

Nicknames are such a strange thing.

Or maybe I feel that way because there's not a single nickname to get out of my name other than Ali and I truly do dislike that nickname. I have no middle name either. My full name is actually just Alice Blaire. I must feel so bitter towards nicknames due to my inability to have one. Envy has never been a pretty thing.

Off to home I go!

Thank goodness. I thought I would be spending all day here in this yucky hospital but my mother came with a new outfit for me and a smile on her face. Told me I would be coming home and she made my favorite: cinnamon french toast. Though it's one in the afternoon. Oh, I don't mind. I will eat her lovely french toast any time.

I do hope my rabbit folds himself into my locket before I leave. I would hate for him to get lost in this eery hospital and miss the french toast. That would be the worst.

Where, oh, where have you gone?

Yasmin hasn't been around lately which is worrying but Kyle said she was okay. Simply coping with my sickness he said but I somehow doubt it. We were never the closest when it came to our group of friends. I had always managed to stray towards Kyle and Reese. Wonderful boys. Never could replace my rabbit though. He's always been the best.

The same boy from dialysis looked worse today. There was a distant look in his eyes today and even his girlfriend couldn't snap him back. She would try talking to him and he didn't even seem to acknowledge her existence nevermind what she was saying to him. He looked as if he had been crying because his eyes were red and irritated almost. He looked worse than he did before and that had been saying something. I found myself wondering if something had happened to him. That would be horrible though so I quickly found distractions.

My doctor was kind again today though. Made me smile very much but also made me frown when I asked where the beautiful Erin had disappeared to. He had frowned deeply before telling me she passed away while I was gone. I didn't cry though, not for her. Not when she would've loathed the tears I shed over it. I did not mourn. I smiled and told him that she was much better then. What she had was torture within itself.

I feel as if I'm fading out from a lot. I do hope this isn't it for me. I still have so much on my list to finish.

"Hello" he said.

I spent a lot of my time at the hospital today which I wish I hadn't. I was so tired.

But that boy was there again as he has been every day since June when I first mentioned him. It was early morning when I saw him, when he stumbled into his room and practically threw himself on his chair. I watched him narrow his eyes at the doctor in frustration and then the same girl from before lean over and grasp both sides of his face in her hands. She said something to him in which he went to argue but she had pressed her lips against his. His fingers had curled into the arms of the chair as if to contain himself from doing more. I'm not sure. But I watched them set him up on dialysis and then watched the girl start talking to him. She left though and his face had fallen into deep sadness almost as he read his book that he pulled out of his AFI bag. I had thought quickly.

I had gotten off my bed and bounded over to my mother's bag she keeps with her. I have times where I can't talk though I'm not sure why. My white rabbit was watching me curiously as I pulled the white erase board out and wrote a very bold and clear, "HI!" in a red colored marker.
I then walked to the glass that divided our rooms and tapped on it. He looked up instinctively with a confused look on his face. I held the board up against the glass and smiled hugely at him. He seemed to laugh and mouthed "Hello" back at me. I grinned happily to have him do something lively since I had seen him. He smiled at me before looking back down at whatever book he occupied himself with.

It wasn't much, what I did today. But at least it was something. Maybe I should talk to him.

Dreadful mornings.

I truly do hate waking up early in the morning on an uncomfortable white bed with my rabbit nowhere in sight. It makes me more tired than I should be. I missed my mother's homemade breakfast and resulted to hospital food. I wish I had more to do on the internet but I've never really been an online person. I suppose it'll just be one of those dreadful days. Oh, white rabbit, where have you wandered off to? I could use a cuddle from you in this cold bed.

Picky, picky Alice.

I have been messing with my blog layout for about an hour now. I think I'm too picky for my own good. At least I got my font right though. It's cute and my rabbit agrees. In a hurry, of course.

His grim face.

There is a boy that I saw on dialysis today. He must have been new because I hadn't seen him there before. I go to the same hospital that I do since January 11th. I didn't see him until today. But his face was grim and pained. He didn't look as good as he probably could've been. His upper body was wrapped in a leather jacket which was a bit silly for it being June but he seemed to have been shivering as well. The sleeves of the jacket were pushed up to the crook of his elbows but a couple of times, it almost seemed like he was going to jerk the sleeves down but stopped himself. His hair was messy and I could see a lighter wedged in his pocket along with a pack of cigarettes. I must've watched him for as long as I could've, his unhappiness filling the room and washing over everything. There was a girl off to his side, grasping his hand whenever she could. His body would relax when she did. She must've been someone special to him to have that sort of relief on him. I wish I had someone like that.

I don't know his name though. I wonder if it would be a good idea to talk to him. He seems like the bad attitude type, the rebelling bad boy. But he looked incredibly vulnerable. I almost sent my white rabbit over to him.

My dear photo book.

I have not mentioned my photo book yet which is a bit silly of me since I love the thing dearly. It holds so many photos and memories on the paper.

When I got sick in January, my parents took a good amount of money out of my college fund that I would have dug into next year for school to buy me a nice camera. I had always told them I loved to take pictures of things around me and put them into a book for memories. I wanted to leave something behind for my children to read through or maybe even my husband. After I found out that I wouldn't live that long and I would die before even my mid-life parents and my young friends, I wanted to complete a photo book of my whole adventure of being sick. My parents bought me a nice camera and a big blank book. Every day, there's one new picture and an entry with it. Sort of like a diary almost; a photo diary. Sometimes the picture is a place, sometimes a person, sometimes a smile. I take many pictures because I enjoy capturing a specific time but this relieves my parents - this simple photo book because they know I spill everything into it.

When I do die, I wish for them to sit down with every one of my loved ones and read through it. I hope they smile instead of mourn because my adventure was not a sad experience. It gave me more of a reason to smile and live my life when before, I simply wasted it away.

Sometimes, I find myself wishing that my story and my adventure inspires someone else to go out and live their lives as fully as they can because no one truly knows when their time will come. I wish that someone out in the world realizes this and becomes reckless. That's what life is. A reckless and troubled mess that you have to enjoy before it's too late.

Today, I smiled blissfully.

Although, I do that anyway anymore. People must think I'm insane. My rabbit doesn't. Oh, he laughs pleasantly when I smile. He's a dear old friend of mine. I truly love him.

Today though, I crossed off "Go a whole day just watching Disney movies with ice cream." on my list. It sounds so unhealthy...oh, who am I kidding? It was probably the unhealthiest thing I've done since I was thirteen and got sick, but I enjoyed it. I smiled so much because Disney movies truly make me happy. They're so amazing for me. I wish I can cross off the Disney store soon because I must bury myself in Disney plushies. That would be heaven for me.

I'm such a kid sometimes. Proud though!

My tarnished pocket watch.

It found itself back into my bag; the silly rabbit must've put it back during lunch.

Well thank you, you lovely thing.
I do hope you come home tonight and sleep at my head like you usually do. I do miss your warmth.

Oh my, you silly rabbit.

Silly thing is running late again while I wandered about once more.
I can't seem to find my pocket watch though; the one always around my neck and decorated in silver designs. I think the rabbit took it. Tsk, tsk. Naughty boy.

I must learn to keep up with him or else all my beautiful trinkets and clocks will disappear without a trace.

I wish I had red hair.

Alice In Wonderland.

Though I'm not quite sure why I started this when I probably won't remember to use it much later on, hello. I am Alice. I have a silly white rabbit, he's already running late. My best friend is not the Mad Hatter, but instead, Cheshire. He's a bit strange though, yes.